meemalee

Hard though it may be to believe, MasterChef isn't my favourite TV programme. Not by a long shot. That honour goes to the quiz show University Challenge as hosted by the redoubtable Jeremy Paxman . I've always been good at quizzes so, unsurprisingly, it was always my dream to go on University Challenge (I was that kid from Starter for Ten , though I did have a brief flirtation with Blockbusters ) and, as a student, I very nearly achieved that dream - I was the reserve for my college team and, wonder of wonders, they passed the auditions and actually got on the show. So I trundled along with the team up to Granada studios in Manchester in the hope that someone would get food poisoning and I'd graciously step into the breach and save the day. But no, they were all fine. And after that, I graduated and I thought that was that. This is in my parents' house. Not mine. Then one day, bored at work, I was reading a trade paper when I saw an ad asking people to apply for a sp...

I've mentioned before that a slightly mental part of me likes to stockpile provisions just in case . This extends to my work environment - my colleagues refer to my desk as the Larder, as the drawers are stuffed with Penguins, crisps, muesli bars and other store-cupboard staples. I guess a lot of people do the same thing, although I like to take it one step further by having stock cubes, vinegar, Tabasco and lemon juice rattling around. The thing I seem to have most of though is Batchelors Cup-A-Soup . I mean, it's disgusting - the croutons are like toaster debris, the peas and carrots like polystyrene peanuts, but I still quite like the taste and there's something vaguely comforting about a "just add water" meal. My favourite is the minestrone - it has these little ring noodles that bob around prettily, but literally taste of nothing. That's fine though, because the rest of it is so jam-packed with MSG, they wouldn't have stood a chance anyway. Anyway, t...

We came. We saw. We ate pig. Last Friday, 16 of London's finest female foodies descended on St John Restaurant , Smithfields, to take part in Ladies' PigFest 2010 . It's been a life-long dream of mine to ravage a whole wild boar Obelix style, so this was one step closer to fulfilling that dream - for our group of girls were about to dine on suckling pig. Kill the pig, cut his throat, bash him in ... Our pre-booked, pre-paid piggy feast was composed as follows: Ladies' PigFest 2010 Roast Bone Marrow & Parsley Salad Whole Crab & Mayonnaise Whole Roast Suckling Pig, Potatoes & Greens Eccles Cake & Lancashire Cheese Spotted Dick & Custard Sounds bloody brilliant, doesn't it? We gathered beforehand at Smithfield Tavern for a drink, but spurned their enticing scotch eggs and sausage rolls in anticipation of the ensuing piggery. I'd made badges and A Scot in London brought crowns - what could possibly go wrong? It was my very first time at St Joh...

I only know three things about Michael Bublé. Michael Bublé's surname is pronounced "Boob-lay". Michael Bublé is addicted to pain . Michael Bublé thinks his mum is hot. I quote: "I looked at my mom, who was my date, and said, 'Mom, you look hot'" That is all I know, and that is all I need to know. 12/01/10 EDITED TO ADD: So it turns out that Michael Buble got engaged this weekend (and not to his mother) ie mere days after I published this post. Coincidence? I think not.

For the love of God, woman - don't look at the menu, just look at the name ... Much apologies for the radio silence - I've been in Burma for the past two weeks with zero access to interwebs, phone or newspapers. Lots to tell you about, but in the meantime, I give you the lovely little restaurant above. I can't help but wonder if the owners have ever actually seen the film ... NOOOOOOO - don't go in, Granny!

AN ENTREPRENEUR'S THOUGHT PROCESS: I'm going to set up an amazing new health food cafe. It's going to serve alfafa and falafel and other foodstuffs with the letters L, A and F in them. It's going to be delicious and nutritious and organic and take the world by storm. I've even got the perfect name - it's going to be called "Ptooch". Yeah. MEEMALEE'S THOUGHT PROCESS: Do not call a restaurant any word which evokes hawking up and releasing a massive ball of mucussy phlegm. Just don't.

I tried to roast a rabbit in my spanking new oven at the weekend - unfortunately I got a tad distracted and over-cooked the blighter. It was tough as old shoe leather and I actually had to stop my husband from trying to chew on the thing lest his poor teeth surrender and fall out. Incredibly disappointing, but it did make for some hilarious pictures (at least they amused me - you might just think I'm a bit twisted).

A Kellogg's representative Alarmingly, Kellogg's caught wind of my Richard and Judy style hate campaign against their deviant muesli Nature's Pleasure remarkably quickly. Their response however was rather astonishing . Here it is in full: Thank you for bringing this to our attention Meemalee. You've given our entire office a huge laugh today. Very funny stuff. There were literally tears of laughter from all of us sitting here in our cowboy boots and underpants. Sometimes you can do nothing but hold your hands up... This would be one of those occasions. I promise you though, it is safe to try the free samples... with or without a moustache. Thanks again, Kellogg's Who'da thunk it? A corporation with a sense of humour, or at least a damn fine press office . Even more surprisingly, this appeared on Kellogg's official UK Twitter page : Despite their good humour, I was still unconvinced they wouldn't send a ninja death squad to hunt me down, so I tweeted...

So there I was innocently reading about the untimely demise of Michael Jackson , when my eye strayed down to the brightly-coloured advert at the bottom. Cute cartoon characters, but no clue as to what the product actually was - I was intrigued. As I turned the pages of thelondonpaper , there were more cartoon ads which spelt out the following message: "We've added something new to muesli". Anyway, it turns out Kellogg's have launched a new muesli called " Nature's Pleasure ". That's right, folks - " Nature's Pleasure ". The name itself has unfortunate connotations, but ladies and gents, that's just the tip of the iceberg. Take a closer look. Please. Mmmmm, mmmm, mmmm. Nothing says "muesli" like a moustachioed man in string vest and pants. And look - are those bloodstains? Cowboy boots, necktie and no kecks is how every man should dress for breakfast. Yes sirree . As for this one ... WHAT. THE. FRACK? Why is the wonk-eye...